bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
