I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I enjoy the company of your penis
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
