Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
