When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize