At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
