If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
