Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
