i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
whose ass print is on the piano?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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