Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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