i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You are the jesus of drinking
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
