I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
