I wish I only lived at night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
