When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
