I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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