She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
