I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
