So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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