There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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