These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
