I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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