please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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