That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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