Kiss
Puke
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
