I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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