im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
