If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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