May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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