I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Randomize
