11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
