Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
