Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize