i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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