I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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