my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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