this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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