my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
