he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
