I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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