Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I checked into jail on foursquare
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
