her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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