if i can run in heels then i can drive
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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