I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
