im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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