This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
