I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
