Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
