he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
