If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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