you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
