Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
