The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
