Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
