I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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