Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
