I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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