I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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