you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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