Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
